Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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