I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
