Please, let me fuck your mom
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
