are you so shy because you have an std?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
