On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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