god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
