It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
