I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
