I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
