If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize