So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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