Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just want nice things and good sex
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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