My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
