I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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