I haven't been this sober since birth.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
my poor anus
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
