The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
