I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
