Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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