he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize