Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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