he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
