I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
