Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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