He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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