i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
