if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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