I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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