My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
