Jerry, you need to find god
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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