I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
