I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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