I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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