ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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