I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
