I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
