i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
