I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
