Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
