I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
They took my balls.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
