areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
