after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
