my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
