he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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