You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
