Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
