no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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