he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
