3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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