hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
