I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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