I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
