Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
