If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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