Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
