obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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