there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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